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The Right Person
    The Wrong Time

Dear Philippa:

After years of trying, I finally met the woman of my dreams. I felt so safe talking to her. We could talk late into the night telling each other about everything. She appreciated all my attention and returned it. We even had the same life goals. We had one particular magical night together. We even talked about the future together. The next day I was ten feet off the ground in love. I called her and then out of the blue she told me things were happening too fast and we weren't right for each other. I was shocked and devastated. I went over and spoke to her for hours. She kept bringing up her old relationship with the only man she said she's ever loved. She had told me before that he had ended their relationship and she had mentioned seeing him again not long ago. She said she really likes me. But my phone calls and e-mails to her have gone nowhere. It's over. Is there anything I can do to win this wonderful woman back?

�Ken, Omaha, Nebraska


Dear Ken:

It sounds like you fell hard and fast. You were open and ready to love and be loved, and you thought she was too. But unfortunately, it sounds like she wasn't.

It is possible to have most of the pieces of the compatibility puzzle with someone, like your shared intimacy and goals with your lady, Ken, but still be missing that one crucial piece-mutual timing. Sometimes we are blinded by our romantic feelings. The clues are often in fact there long before the person tells us it can't work and the sledgehammer hits us. There is often a part of someone that is held separate from us in some way. We do more of the pursuing, the communicating, and the date planning. The closer we get, the more the other person gets afraid, until the closeness becomes unbearable. This often happens after an incredibly wonderful time together, when you have been closer to someone than you have ever been before.

There are several schools of thought on this subject. You could back off and give her space and see how she resolves her feelings with this other man. This would mean that you stay away from her for a while. Trying to be just friends while this goes on rarely works. You will torture yourself watching her date someone else and end up putting pressure on her, which will drive her away permanently. Think about love as a butterfly that lands on your hand. This beautiful, delicate creature chose to grace your life. As long as you hold your hand out the butterfly can come back. But if you try to grasp the butterfly, you will crush it.

Another of life's ironies is that when you really let this woman go so she can find happiness, and you go on to opening yourself up to loving others, one day she might turn up on your doorstep, when you least expect it. But by then, you may have a deeper love in your life. I can't explain why this is; it just seems to happen that way.

You sound like a very loving person Ken. Keep your heart open and have faith. You are going to have someone in your life who is ready to love you. All this painful stuff is the practice we need so we can recognize the right one when they come along.


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