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Heart Surgeon to the Rescue

Dear Philippa:

How does a man break through the barrier a woman�s has up around herself? I met a great woman three weeks ago who I really like but she was in an abusive relationship and she seems to be holding back, especially in the area of receiving affection. I would like to show her that I am different and she can trust me.

Jason, Atlanta, GA


Dear Jason,

A wise person once said that we are brought into someone�s life so we can learn something. Your lesson could be learning what this new lady truly needs from you�friendship without demands, kindness, patience, and the simple enjoyment of spending time together? Are you willing to focus on what your she needs, rather than what you think you can and ought to give her?

Imagine being in her place, trusting you enough to spend time with you after all she has gone through�and you expect more of a physical response already! What you see as a barrier is really a shield she needs to protect herself and help her make wiser decisions. Even with the best intentions, the more you press against the shield the stronger it will get. You can not make someone trust or love you.

Don�t be trapped into the romantic notion that you are supposed to rescue and save the poor broken bird that will turn into a beautiful princess that will love you. That isn�t fair to you or the lady in your life. It is her decision if or when she decides to let her shield down. Your loving kindness may help her begin the process of trusting and healing but there are no guarantees that she will be ready to return your affections the way you would like.

Be really truthful with yourself. Decide if you need someone in your life that can accept and return all the affection and love that you are ready to share now�if so, maybe you need to seek a lady who is in the same emotional place you are. You can continue being a wonderful friend to the woman who has allowed you to enter her fragile life. Maybe by doing this you will take the unspoken pressure off her and let her heal in her own time.

Some people make a habit of choosing partners who they think they can rescue and thereby obtain their love. Jason, realize you can have someone in your life that is ready to love you the way you deserve, with no conditions or open wounds.


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