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Beautiful but Boring

Dear Philippa:

I keep meeting women I enjoy seeing for a time, but I seem to get bored with them after a while. Then I have the unpleasant task of explaining why I don't want to go out anymore. Got any advice?

�Jack, Cincinnati


Dear Jack,

Try making a list of the women you've been dating over the last year or so, next to each name, write down your motivation for going out with her in the first place. In another column, write down why you got bored, what was missing? Be really honest. If you started dating Cathy because she had a great figure, put that down. No one will see what you write or judge you for it.

You will probably have all the answers you need when you look at your dating history this objectively. Why are you dating? Many of us date to just fill the gaps in our lives. Some people think it's better to go out to dinner with someone who is boring, than to stay at home alone. Or they like the idea of having an attractive person on their arm so the world will see that they are a success. You mention the boredom factor. Be specific, are you looking for someone that is more intellectually stimulating, more physically energetic, more adventurous, or more physically exciting?

Now change the focus from what you want the other person to be like, to how you want to feel in your ideal relationship. Write some phrases that describe your feelings, like how you feel so stimulated and alive when you are with this woman because you never run out of things to say to each other and you are always exploring new horizons together, etc.

Become clearer on the kind of women you want to spend time with and how you will feel with them. Don't clutter your life with people who are obviously wrong for you. Be honest with yourself. Ask yourself why you are dating someone before you get too involved. Then you will find yourself meeting more of the kinds of women who can meet your needs.


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