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Bad Girls Can be Nice

Dear Philippa:

I've dated some nice women, but the relationships just don't go anywhere because there's no chemistry. My friends say it's not possible to find a sexy woman who's nice too? What do you say?

�Tony, Philadelphia


Dear Tony,

I used to think that chemistry and compatibility were mutually exclusive too. It's hard for us to imagine that we can have someone in our lives who is like a best friend and a great lover. I got over my misconception and found I could have it all. You can too.

That said, I cringe at stereotypes such as nice girls can't be sexy or sexy girls can't be nice! Women say the same things about nice guys being boring. All you're doing is perpetuating a losing situation.

Chemistry is the natural urge to merge. Your chemistry radar is always working. You don't have to concentrate on it. What you do need to concentrate on is finding someone with whom you have compatibility. That means having your values, goals, and styles in common. Style is your relationship to life and how you express yourself. If you are the kind of guy who loves change, is spontaneous, and never stops seeking new experiences and learning, then you probably should find a woman with a similar approach to life. Enjoying the same kind of excitement can ignite chemistry. And, if her values and goals are also in sync with yours, then you've got something with potential.

Are you judging chemistry mainly by the packaging? In other words are you typecasting---always attracted to certain types of looks? In this day and age it's almost impossible not to be. But the fact is sexuality is a lot more than just visual attraction. Sensuality, that innate earthiness that some people have, doesn't necessarily come wrapped in the most obviously sexy package.

Try and get over this nice girl vs. sexy girl thing. Imagine what it would be like to be out with a woman that is so easy to be around, who is in sync with your life style, who treats you wonderfully and with whom you really sizzle? If you want to change your life, you have to start by changing your thinking. Start believing people are not stereotypes and you'll find that the kind of women you are looking for are turning up in your life.


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