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What�s Age Got To Do With It?

Dear Philippa,

I joined a video-dating club because I was sick of all the emphasis of how old you are on the Internet dating sites. So, I didn�t put my age on my video dating club profile. The guys in the video club who seem interested in me are much younger than I am. Maybe its because I am very fit and look a lot younger than my age. I�m 39 and one of the guys is only 19! I don�t lie about my age when I meet these guys, but I wonder if this is all for fun or where it will lead---I don�t want any more kids. What�s in it for these young guys? And where are all the 40 to 45 year-old guys that I would prefer to date?

�Corinna, Pittsburgh, PA


Dear Corinna,

I remember that when I first joined a video-dating club I felt like a kid in candy store. I am sure many people feel the same way when they can choose from such a wide variety of people and don�t have to deal with the face-to-face rejection. This means that both men and women can try dating outside their usual realm. The guys around your own age who have the looks, status, or wealth can go after the younger women. The attractive, mature, active women like you can enjoy the company of younger guys. And the younger guys can pursue the allure of mature, experienced women.

This all sounds fair and reasonable when you look at it from a playful, let�s expand our horizons, kind of way. But all is not perfect in Camelot. You say that while you enjoy this attention from young guys, you�re not looking to start another family.

Not all younger men want to be fathers. I know one couple in particular where the woman is now in her 50�s and her husband is in his thirties. They met and married ten years or so ago and are very happy together. She has grown up children and he never wanted kids of his own. They came together while they were both seeking sobriety. This tie along with their strong religious faith acts as an enduring bond between them. She wasn�t looking for a fling with a �toy boy� and he wasn�t out to fulfill any fantasies about older women. They simply fell in love with each other.

Here are some pivotal questions to ask yourself: If you had met a much younger man at a party or through a friend, would the attraction on both sides go beyond fulfilling fantasies? Outside of this video-dating club experience have you ever considered dating much younger men? What were your intentions in joining the video-dating club: to just date, meet the man of your dreams, or get married again? What kind of man do you want to bring into your children�s lives?

Not all younger men seek relationships with older women just to get their jollies with a woman of experience. Younger men report that they are attracted to how mature women deal with life, their independence, their comfort with themselves, and their straightforwardness, to name just a few of the qualities I have heard mentioned.

And finally, could it be that the men around your own age might have responded to your profile if they had seen your age mentioned? Of course there will always be older men who want to date younger women. But I suspect, that an attractive woman who is proud of her age and how she looks may well attract the kind of man who is ready of a relationship with just this kind of woman. I hope, next time, this woman can be you.


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