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How to Ask Women Out

Dear Philippa,

I'm a 30-year-old guy and I am extremely shy. I used to have a girlfriend but I've been out of circulation for a long time recovering from a major medical problem. I seem to have lost the nerve to speak to women. I don't know what to say, how to ask them out and I'm tired of being scared and lonely.

�Todd, Newark, NJ


Dear Todd,

You've already shown that you have guts. Do you know how many lonely people there are out there incapable of even seeking answers outside themselves or asking for help? Being out of circulation slows us all down, whether or not we are shy.

Even the confident guys who seem to have it all�the looks, the job, and the toys feel like Jell-O inside when they have to ask a special woman out. Believe me, we women also find risking rejection by approaching a man a knee-knocking experience.

Todd, you are not alone. Let go of the belief that you are deficient socially. Success in any area of our life has to do with your perception of yourself and the world around you. Shift your perceptions and your actions and then people's reaction to you will change. You can start that shift by changing your inner dialogue. Say to yourself, "Being a shy person has nothing to do with my value as a person or how desirable or loveable I am."

Next, shift your perception of how you think women respond to shy guys. A sweet guy who sincerely shows interest in a woman and listens to her will win more hearts than the self possessed, Mr. Cool. Of course not every woman is looking for a sweet, quiet guy. Yes, there may be a few women who seem to take pleasure in frosting out the guys who approach them. But they aren't your cup of tea anyway.

Think about areas in your life where you feel accomplished. Chances are you didn't get that confidence right away. First you had to get competent in that activity. That took practice, didn't it? So why believe that something like being able to meet great women is any different? To be good at anything, you have to practice and risk failure. This includes asking people out and dating.

Like the first days on skis, you need to accept that you are going to feel clumsy. You'll want to quit. But, you'll start out with the easy terrain�meeting women in a casual, non-threatening environment. Each time out you'll gain more skills. You'll learn what works and what feels right. You'll realize that when you fall down in the snow or just feel at a loss for words that there will be a woman who comes over to see if you are all right. Kind and caring women are everywhere.

Asking women out on dates now is like hitting the killer slopes the first day. Be kind to yourself and start slow. Attend enjoyable activities where you can chat casually with women. Allow yourself to feel comfortable being around women again. Be open to friendship, the romance will happen naturally. Meeting people online maybe a good way to get started. You can make friends, build intimacy slowly, and sense when its time to take it to the next stage.

Have you noticed that we attract more people when we are out just enjoying life? When I used to get all dressed up and was anxious to meet someone, I usually didn't. It was when I was in my casual clothes, looking natural and feeling relaxed that men found me attractive and approachable. We spend so much time trying to impress the men or women we want to date. The fact is, the more we can be ourselves and have a good sense of humor about life the more people want to spend time with us.

Clever lines don't impress women. What opens a woman's heart is a man who sincerely likes women, a man who wants to know about her, a man who can make her smile. What turns women off is being with a guy who is doing a monologue. With some people you could get up and leave and they'd still be talking.

Your quieter nature and your sense of vulnerability are assets because you won't make women feel like they're a conquest. Sincerity is very appealing. Concentrate on how you feel about yourself when you are out around women�not on how they feel about you. When you feel good about yourself and don't appear needy or desperate you'll become a magnet for great women who will appreciate the wonderful guy that you are.




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