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Matchmakers Are Not Genies

Dear Philippa,

I am a bit frustrated with the type of women I have been meeting through a matchmaking service I joined. I am allowed only so many matches during a certain time period so I don't want to throw away my matches on the wrong people. What should I do?

�Dave, Tustin, CA


Dear Dave,

Where does your frustration stem from? Are you being matched with women that you have little in common with and or is there no chemistry?

I get phone calls regularly from people looking for a matchmaker. When I tell them I don't do matchmaking but I can help them learn how to make the introduction service work better for them, they say they are not interested. These people want someone who will act like a genie and produce that ideal someone for them. I know, I used to be like that too.

We may be dynamic and high-powered in our professional lives but we often give up control in our personal lives. And then we get frustrated when our passive approach doesn't work.

When you sign on with an introduction service make sure that both you and the matchmaker see this as a partnership. The better you educate the matchmaker about the kind of person you're looking for, the better chance they have of finding that type of person for you. If the matchmaker is good, the clearer you are, the better your matches should be.

This means you have to be self-aware. You have to do your homework before you send your matchmaker out looking for you. You need to understand the kind of person you want to meet. And I'm not talking about what the person has to look like.

Forget the myth that says that if you meet enough people you will eventually meet your right one. The only good thing about dating a lot of people is you might get to figure out what you're really looking for. If you want to meet a lot of women, try using online dating or some other less expensive method. Using a matchmaker is a very expensive way to just get dates. If you divide each date you are allowed by your total cost, you'll see how much you are paying per match. And that's not even counting the actual expenses involved in dating.

Help your matchmaker go beyond using simplistic criteria to match you with women. I used to get matched up with guys who had a thing for petite, athletic, redheads. This may have rung their chimes, but most of the matches did nothing for me. Matching people simply by packaging (preferred appearance) or interests-in-common just doesn't work.

People connect at the emotional level. Your ideal person may not come in your ideal package and may not share all your interests. You can always share your interests with the right woman and you can both discover new ones together.

You are looking for someone who shares your style, not simply your interests.

Think about the kind of women with whom you enjoy spending time. What is it about these women you enjoy? Transmit this kind of information to the matchmaker. Tell your matchmaker that you are looking for someone who, for instance, shares your quirky sense of humor, likes an unstructured life style and would be fine with irregular sleep and eating schedules, someone who enjoys learning new things, and most importantly someone who is close to her family. Paint a picture for the matchmaker of the woman who is right for you.

It could take a while for your matchmaker to find a suitable woman if your criteria are very specific. Be prepared to wait, and while you're waiting, use other methods to meet people. That way, when you get a call saying they've found the ideal woman for you, you'll be able to rationally evaluate whether you are compatible and decide whether you really want to meet her.

A matchmaker is not a genie. Empower and prepare yourself to meet the right kind of women. Do your homework and help educate your matchmaker. Most importantly, be a guy who enjoys life and keep a sense of humor about all this. These are the kind of qualities that attract the most women. You sound like that kind of guy.




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