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Who Has Time for Love?

Dear Philippa,

I don't understand why the women that I meet complain about the amount of time I work. I thought women wanted a guys who were responsible and brought in good money? What do you think?

�Sam, Gloucester, MA


Dear Sam,

There's a guy who works out at my gym who reminds me of you. He has two jobs, works out at the gym nearly every day, and plays in a band. Any time left over goes into doing wash and clearing up his apartment. Then he complains that he doesn't have much time for women and wonders why they don't understand his lack of time.

If you are the kind of person who wants to focus most of your time on work or just need to fill every spare hour of your day then you probably aren't ready for a real relationship. You may date occasionally, but if you want to develop something with a future, you have to have to be willing to make the time to get to know someone. When you over-schedule your life you leave little room for anyone else. That's what the women you are meeting are probably sensing.

That's not to say that you can't work hard and play hard, but like anything good in life you have to find the balance. If you structured your life to the nth degree, you have built up some pretty tough barriers for anyone to penetrate. Our routines make most of us feel comfortable and safe. When someone, however wonderful, comes into our life, they often disturb that comfort.

Like me, you may have thought that it would be difficult, if not impossible to find someone who could fit into your life. Friends may tell you that you are stuck in your ways and that you'll never find anyone who will put up with your routine. The irony is that when you find the right person, the adjustments are not that difficult because your life styles will be compatible.

How do you see yourself sharing your life with someone? Maybe you want to look for women who maintain a strong sense of self and don't expect you to fill their lives. If you are like your father who worked extra long hours and was gone a lot maybe you want a relationship where the woman is like your mother who maintained the home and took care of you kids. If that's your style go for it. There are a wide variety of wonderful women out there looking for many different styles of relationships.

Finally, I wonder if you met a fabulous woman tomorrow, someone who has a fuller life than you do, would you be satisfied with seeing less of her than you would want? That's something for you to consider the next time you're perplexed by needs of the women you are dating.




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