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He's Everything I Want, But...

Dear Philippa,

This guy I've met is everything I've been looking for, but I'm just not happy and I can't figure out why. What's wrong with me?

�Sandi, Montreal, Quebec


Dear Sandi,

Pat yourself on the back for being aware of how you feel, and how you want to feel in a relationship. Too many people sleepwalk their way through life and then wake up years later and wonder why they married the wrong person.

What exactly do you mean when you say you are not happy with this guy? Are the violins and bells missing? Are you bored? Is it just a lack of chemistry?

Look at this situation as a gift. You have the opportunity to better understand what you do want in someone, so don't waste your energies wondering why this guy isn't ringing your chimes.

I wonder what you mean when you say that this guy is everything you ever wanted. I'll guess that he has the looks you normally find attractive, and you both have tons of things in common. Am I close? As you've found out, people connect at a much deeper level than this.

Here is a way to help you connect to someone with whom you can really click. Notice the people already in your life�people that you already like and who like you. These could be male or female friends, relatives, coworkers, anybody past or present. Think about people with whom you are always at ease, happy, and at your best. Now imagine that you could take a piece of each of these special people and create your ideal person. Focus on how you would feel around this wonderful guy. Bingo! That's the feeling you are looking for in the right guy. So don't focus on the packaging or other superficial details. It's how you feel with someone that's important.

If you don't feel this way with the guy you are dating don't worry; just enjoy his company without any long-term expectations. Sandi, you are a smart, sensitive young woman. Know in your heart that this is just preparation so that you will recognize the right one. Keep in touch with how you feel and want to feel with someone and then listen to your instincts.




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