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She's My Fantasy Woman

Dear Philippa,

I want to know how to contact a woman I've fallen for but never met. We are soul mates. We are so alike it's scary. She is shy, well read, and funny like me. Don't laugh, but this woman is famous. I know that if we met that she and I would be together forever. Should I pursue this goddess?

�Henry, Pittsburgh, PA


Dear Henry,

I am not laughing, but I am sighing. In this society of bigger than life media stars it's not surprising that people form attachments based on what they perceive as some kind intimate knowledge of their idol. We all have our fantasies, but it's when we start believing that they are based on reality that we run into problems.

In fact, there are many people out there (and I used to be one of them) who fall for someone, sight unseen, because of something they read in their online profile or romance ad. Everything seems to line up perfectly on paper, and they're head over heels in love. But when they meet the balloon bursts big time. There's no connection, little or no chemistry, and often only huge disappointment.

Why does this happen? We are hungry for the real thing so we build people up to be what we want them to be. We imagine a relationship before there is one. And we confuse real intimacy, which takes time to grow with the need for instant connection. You can have everything in common on paper but that doesn't mean a thing when it comes to chemistry or how you will really feel with this person. We connect with our emotions not with the attributes that we have in common.

Forget about this woman's fame for a moment and look at the situation as though she was an ordinary person and someone you could easily meet. I'll tell you a true story from my life that might help you grasp what I want to tell you. I used to place romance ads in the newspaper. I tried doing this more than a few times, always using a different ad to see what response I got. One day I heard from a man who said he had fallen for the beautiful person he knew I was from all my ads. He was very romantic and poetic and I was caught up in his fantasy for a little while�here was someone who really knew and appreciated me (I thought). But, when the reality of a relationship emerged, he withdrew. He couldn't worship me as a mere mortal when the day to day world was present.

So even if you could meet your fantasy woman, she couldn't possibly live up to your image of her. Fantasy is always about perfection and nobody is as perfect for you as you imagine. The attraction is almost always one-sided. The person we pursue so ardently and unrealistically doesn't share our interest, much less know that we exist. It's the unattainability that adds to our ardor. That's why they call it unrequited love.

Your ability to fantasize is a gift. As I say, if you can see it, you can achieve it. Think about how you would like to feel with the right woman�the woman who is looking for you. Forget about what she looks like�she's not famous or anyone you know. She is as real as you are. Concentrate on the wonderful feelings you have when you are together. See yourself laughing with her, happy and relaxed. Be excited about having her in your life. Know in your heart that the right woman for you exists and how incredible it will be to have this woman like and love you just the way you are. Fantasy lovers are safe but never satisfying. Instead of pressing your face against that closed window, open the door to real love.




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