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Make Me A Smooth Talker with Women

Dear Philippa,

A friend of mine is in sales and he has no trouble meeting new women. But I don't have his way with words so I've been using online dating and I may try Turbo Dating to meet someone. I'm a reasonably good-looking guy but I just get so nervous when I first talk to women that I think I put them off. Can you help me get over this?

�Terry, Philadelphia, PA


Dear Terry,

As I understand it, Turbo Dating is similar to SpeedDating, where you sit and talk with someone for about seven minutes (before a bell rings) and then you move on to the next person. This continues for the whole event, so everyone gets a chance to meet plenty of new people. The organizers keep contact information for afterwards, so if you think you would like to see someone again you can put your name in and see if the other person is interested. This means the risk of rejection is reduced and you get a chance to meet lots of different people. But there is still a sense of urgency in Turbo Dating as there is in any first face-to-face meeting with someone you met online or for that matter anytime you feel that a good first impression is critical.

Your friend has an advantage because his sales job gives him practice meeting and positively influencing lots of different people. This teaches him how to deal with rejection and sharpens his communication skills. He probably chose his career because he has a naturally outgoing personality. It is his comfort with meeting new people, not his clever lines, which makes him appealing to the women he meets.

Its not just you Terry, most of us feel down right uncomfortable when we first meet someone socially. You don't have to be Mr. Smooth Talker to be a winner with women.

A recent Harris poll indicated that over 70% of single men and women rate intelligence and sense of humor as the main attributes they find attractive in someone. That beat out good looks and sexy bodies. I guess the point is that if you can appear smart and funny you'll be a hit on the singles scene. Of course, what you interpret as intelligence and a good sense of humor is a personal thing. One person may prefer using their intelligence in a quiet game of chess, while another person may like debating political issues or discussing poetry. In the same way, some of us find a British sitcom funny while others may prefer standup comedy.

Certain colors and fabrics make us feel more attractive. Talk to women friends and coworkers. Ask them what your best color is. Then get a shirt in that color. It will become your lucky shirt. You'll go out knowing that this color makes your eyes look great. You'll start getting compliments from women that will reinforce your confidence. And, if you can afford it, a butter-soft suede jacket or silk shirt (in the right color) will pay dividends in touch appeal and attract sensual partners.

Following are ten tips that I've put together to help you feel more confident in social situations. Print them out and study them carefully. You'll see some remarkable changes that might amaze even your salesman friend.

1) FOCUS ON HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF when you're talking to someone (do not focus on what they might be thinking about you). This will help you relax and tune into your emotional instincts.

2) FIND SOMETHING POSITIVE about the other person, whether it's their eyes, smile, voice or clothes and then mentally focus on it. When the other person senses you are thinking pleasant thoughts about them they'll reciprocate. It's human nature to like people who like us.

3) MODEL BODY LANGUAGE. Notice how they hold their hands and head. If they put a hand on their face, you should too. Modeling behavior has been proven to help quickly establish rapport.

4) FORGET THE MONOLOGUES. Listen. You won't impress anyone just talking about your accomplishments. However, nothing is more appealing than having someone ask you questions and give you his or her undivided attention.

5) VISUALIZE SUCCESS. Run through some dialogue in your head before you get there. See yourself smiling and relaxed in the situation and know that you will be.

6) BRING YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. It can be your greatest asset. But, shelve the cynicism, satire and jokes. Try making a little fun of yourself and the situation.

7) SHOW INTEREST�DON'T INTERROGATE. It's better to talk about one or two things that mutually interest you than try to respond to a list of rapid fire questions.

8) TALK ABOUT THE THINGS YOU LOVE. Enthusiasm is contagious.

9) LEAVE WITH A SMILE and a sincere wish that you both find that special one.

10) LEAVE YOUR EXPECTATIONS AT HOME. Just go to have some fun and discover what kind of person YOU are looking for. It's all just practice so you can recognize the right person when they come along.



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