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Should the Woman Call First?

Dear Philippa,

For the first time in my life I'm scared I may put off a guy by being the first one to call. I've met this wonderful guy a couple of times---most recently a month ago at someone else's wedding. He lives out of state but I know a lot about him. I know he's interested in me because he asked a friend of mine for my e-mail and another friend of mine gave him my phone number. I honestly feel like he's the man of my dreams but the waiting for his call is killing me. Should I contact him?

�Lisa, Galveston, TX


Dear Lisa,

I know just how you feel. There isn't a woman alive who hasn't faced this same, will he call or won't he call situation. Even the most emancipated of us can turn to Jell-O when we fall for a guy. Imagine how guys feel. Society expects them to risk rejection and make the first move all the time.

I know there are books out there like "The Rules" that talk about not ever calling the guy and I can understand why they believe this advice is sound. It just seems to me that every person and situation is different and you have to do what feels right to you. More than anything I believe in being honest and straight forward because when you play games it always comes back to haunt you sometime down the road.

I also believe that in order to get what you deserve in this life, you have to be willing to risk. That means, even if this guy seems like the man of your dreams, you need to accept that he may not be in a position right now or ever, to think of you in the same way. Bring your feelings for him down to earth and take him off the pedestal�see him as a wonderful but imperfect human being. This will reduce your anxiety so you can see things a little clearer.

We tend to idolize people when we romanticize them. If you really want to communicate with this guy, empower yourself and send him a light, friendly e-mail referencing something you talked about at the wedding. This way you are showing interest without seeming needy. Did I say needy? Isn't it the pits�when you want something so badly but you feel you have to act cool? Makes you feel like a teenager doesn't it? Don't beat yourself up for being human and vulnerable. These traits make you more approachable. Ice maidens attract guys who like conquests and game playing.

If he doesn't answer your email move on. Let it go. Maybe you'll bump into each other a third time and this time the magic will happen. Maybe you'll have met someone else by then too.

See yourself as a warm, confident, attractive woman who this guy would be lucky to get close to�if he's right for you. That's the key to all this "should you call or not call" stuff. It's about us facing reality. You don't really know him, in the sense that two people in a relationship know each other. He seems wonderful, but you don't know yet that he is right for you. Leave a little part of yourself as an independent observer�hold back some of that pent-up passion for when you really know him.

This will help put you back in balance because you know what would be worse than turning this guy off by contacting him? It would be putting yourself in a position where you give up all your personal power to him. See yourself as an equal partner in this pursuit of love. And feel confident that even if he isn't the one, there are many more great guys out there who want a wonderful woman like you.



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