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Philippa Courtney



TV Big Wig Seeks Special Woman


Dear Philippa,

Here I am a successful, 43-year-old TV producer. I meet loads of attractive women, some even half my age, who want to date me. But I want eventually to get married and start a family and I seem to be having trouble finding Ms. Right. Some time ago I joined a video-dating club but there didn't seem to be enough women to go around or many that lived close to me. The ratio is two men to every woman---plus they charged over $2,000 for the membership. Any suggestions as to what dating services would be better for me?

�Paul, New York, NY


Dear Paul,

Its good to hear that you are becoming a smart consumer of dating services and evaluating services based on your needs. You're right, the video-dating club doesn't sound right for you. Most dating services, however, have more men than women. And if you are looking for a young lady in the prime childbearing age, around the 25 to 32 age range, these women will be in the most demand no matter what dating service you use.

But, I feel that even with the "right" dating service most of us continue to meet the wrong people. Let's put the dating service issue aside for now and focus on you? Beyond the general criteria of age, religion, etc., do you have a list of requirements for a woman to be a potential Ms. Right? Maybe you read someone's profile, even saw her video and thought that she met your criteria. But when you got together she just wasn't right?

I've found that everything can be just right on paper, all the items on the list can add up but that's not how people connect. We connect at the emotional level not at the analytical level�that's why lists seldom work and dating services are not as effective as they could be.

In my book I talk about developing what I call an "Emotional Snapshot", literally a way to get in touch with how you want to feel with the right person. Then you will be able to recognize them when you meet them.

Based on your career choice and your interest in video dating you probably are a very visual person. Maybe you even have a clear sense of how you want Ms. right to look? I call this "Typecasting". We all do it to some extent. It's when we focus on a person's packaging. Again, the packaging may be right, you may even feel some physical chemistry, but that has nothing to do with compatibility.

When I first met my husband I saw that he was not my usual artistic, athletic-looking type and he thought I was too short and perky�imagine that! We each thought the other was attractive, just not our type. But because of the process I had developed I was able to see beyond my typecasting and focus on how great I felt with him. So I gave the chemistry a chance to develop. He came to the same conclusion after he had met his "dream" woman soon after we had first met. She was someone who fit all of his preconceived criteria (his list). He realized that it was me he wanted to be with, not her. It was how he felt about himself when he was with me that was important, not his list.

You may benefit from the DateBook concept I describe in my book. It helps you track your dates with different people over a period of time. You rate your dates based on compatibility, chemistry, connection, comfort, and "Emotional Snapshot". It allows you to see over time how your feelings for someone change and how they compare with other people you are dating. In this way you see very clearly if you are focusing more on chemistry than compatibility and who has the most long-term potential for the time and feelings you are investing.

Once you become clear about the kind of person you want in your life, based on how you want to feel with her, then you will find that any mechanism you choose to meet people will work better�whether its video dating or something else.

Have you considered joining a dining club? That is a matchmaking service that brings together a small group of selected people to have dinner and meet each other. If you enjoy talking with people, have a reasonably good social presence, and enjoy dressing well, this might be an alternative to the video dating club idea.

You sound a bit disillusioned about finding the right woman. Don't let this wear you down. Use your visualization skills�see in your mind the kind of relationship you want. Play a "mind movie" of the times you will spend together with your Ms. Right. Do this enough and you will create a positive energy within yourself. This will help make you a magnet for the woman who is just right for you.




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