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Philippa Courtney



What Am I Doing to Drive Her Away


Dear Philippa,

My girlfriend and I are on the outs. She says I am too possessive, always trying to please her, and I need to find some things to do on my own that don't necessarily involve her. I admit that I'm crazy about this gorgeous creature and that I do feel uncomfortable when she's anywhere around other guys. Maybe I went too far by asking her to call and tell me when she gets home after being somewhere without me. Everything was going so great and I don't know what to do to make her happy. Can you help, I'm desperate?

�John, Erie, PA


Dear John,

You can get a numb bum sitting on a pedestal. It sounds like that's where you put your girlfriend. Having someone idolize you is appealing at first. Who doesn't love all that admiration and attention? But one of the basic needs we all have is to be loved just for who we are. A person who worships us doesn't love the real us�warts and all. After a while that slavish devotion gets boring if the person doing the adoring doesn't show some spunk and focus on their own needs.

Your girlfriend sounds like a spirited beauty who has a strong sense of herself. I applaud that in her. It's easy to see how that increases your attraction for her. She's a challenge for you and a beautiful one. That powerful combination can turn even the strongest men into mush.

Notice I said "even the strongest men" because I want you to rediscover your own strength. When we idolize someone we give up our power. We become insecure and try and control the other person or we lose our sense of self and allow ourselves to become a doormat. Your girlfriend told you some painful truths. Always trying to please her and seeking your identity through her is bad for you and your relationship.

If you want to save this relationship take your girlfriend off the pedestal and see her as a whole person with her faults and fancies. Use your power to define your own needs and not to control her.

Here comes my old mantra, the one that helped me get my personal life on track. It's how we feel about ourselves when we are with someone that counts not how they feel about us. So how do you feel when you are with your girlfriend? Ok, you feel proud that this gorgeous creature picked you. But what else�off balance, possessive, confused, uncomfortable, and unsure?

How do you want to feel with a woman�comfortable, powerful, appreciated, light-hearted, at ease? You can't make anyone be the way you want them to be, but you can choose to be around people with whom you feel the way you want to feel.

John, this may or may not be the ultimate relationship for you but it does provide a wonderful opportunity for you to get in touch with what you need to be happy�not what you need to do to make your girlfriend happy. Find out how you want to feel in any relationship. When you have a clear sense of self, woman will be attracted to who you really are; not who you think you need to be.




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